My move to a home office has created some awareness about how my mind reacts when contemplating my relationships with others, so I thought I would make post about how understanding the reaction of your mind can improve your relationship with anyone.
Here’s a new awareness for me: Having a home office is much more open and vulnerable than having a rented office in a traditional office building. I am more transparent; I have less influence over what others see and what they think about me and my lifestyle choices.
This has created some questions. Can I handle being more visible to others, more transparent? We'll see. I know I have learned some new stuff about how my mind thinks.
All minds work similarly. When someone shows up to my home office, I automatically project my own attitudes about myself onto them—I will think about what they are thinking about me and my new office arrangement.
We all do this in all of our relationships, conscious or unconscious. It is not a flaw; it is exactly how minds are supposed to work. Our minds are constantly trying to predict what will happen next in all situations that we are aware of. What we do in our minds is a product of the context of the moment, our history, and our genetics.
Soon after I started thinking about moving my office to my home, I had the thought “What will my current clients and any future clients think? How will this new arrangement affect my business?” Perfectly logical thoughts for any business owner to have, right?
If I am thinking about how people perceive my new home office, I am, therefore, concerned with what they will think about me, and how they will react to me.
Will they be afraid of my neighborhood? Will they drop out of counseling because they don’t like how I live and think it is crazy? Will they come knocking on my door at 3 am because they think I should answer them? Will it be too informal, too personal, not prestigious enough? Etc etc etc.
Here’s why I am posting about this on this blog. There is a very important awareness you can glean from watching your mind think- If you can learn this, you are well on your way to freedom from your own mind, which means you can be an awesome partner to anyone in any sort of relationship. Are you listening?
Here it is: I am aware that all of my thoughts about how others will react to my new location are simply my thoughts about other peoples thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less.
Huh?
What has helped me immensely over the years is to understand that my thoughts about what other people are thinking about me are just my thoughts-- there is no way I can tell what is really up inside another person’s mind.
Huh?
What has helped me immensely over the years is to understand that my thoughts about what other people are thinking about me are just my thoughts-- there is no way I can tell what is really up inside another person’s mind.
Unless we are psychic, our thoughts about what other people might be thinking should be taken with a grain of salt, held with a very light grip. Our thoughts offer information about how our mind thinks about reality, but that is all they offer—our thoughts are not perfect pictures of Reality as it is.
If, however, we do not have the awareness that our thoughts are just thoughts, we will be Cognitively Fused with our thoughts. Cognitive Fusion is the term used when a person has become entangled (or fused) with the literal content and emotions of the thoughts. If we are Cognitively Fused, we presume that our private thoughts and feelings as Absolutely True in the moment. When we are fused, we react based on what we think, not on what we actually could perceive if we were to pay attention to Reality.
Cognitive Fusion is generally not helpful when we are alone; when we are Cognitively Fused regarding relationship issues, it can be fatal to any of our relationships.
Here’s a tiny little example, a very ordinary moment.
Yesterday I was at the Highland-Walker Festival near the U of M. I was working in a booth telling people about the opportunities available at Revolutions, the local Memphis Bike Cooperative that helps people get recycled bikes for next to nothing. Since I was working, I was eligible for some free pizza from Garibaldi’s (Thanks, Garibaldi’s!!). Even though I had eaten a pretty good breakfast and I wasn’t that hungry, I still had some of the free pizza—it was really good!
I was eating pizza while sitting in the Revolutions booth with Angela, a woman I had just met that morning. We were enjoying talking about bikes and enjoying the pizza. She wrinkled her face up and starting giving me some nonverbal signals I did not immediately understand. Eventually I realized she was indicating to me that I had some pizza sauce on my face and I needed to wipe it off.
Anytime someone points out that there is something not perfectly ok it can be an interesting moment for a mind. How the mind reacts is a function of the context and of the history.
In my own case, I’m not very sensitive to how others think of my appearance. And, the context was light-hearted- Angela was, in my way of perceiving, not being critical or judgmental, she was just being helpful. After all, it wasn’t an audience with the Queen of the World; we were just two regular folks sitting in a bike booth eating pizza at a street festival. So, bottom line, my mind didn’t “make anything of it” when Angela told me about the pizza sauce on my face. I simply laughed a little, appreciating the humanity of the moment, and wiped my face off.
I can envision other minds (or my own mind, for that matter) having very different reactions, especially in very different contexts. Had I been interviewing for a highly prestigious job at a very formal, stuffy institution with a very formal, stuffy interviewer, I might have been mortified if the interviewer had told me that I had pizza sauce on my face. Or, if it had been at the family dinner table when I was a kid, it would have been a cause for embarrassment and it definitely would not have been funny- food errors were bad news in my family at the dinner table.
With the pizza sauce incident, I paid attention to Angela’s nonverbal language- my mind saw nothing threatening at all, therefore I reacted calmly and openly. Had I seen different nonverbal indicators, I might have intuited that Angela was being critical and judging me harshly, and I probably would not have been as relaxed in dealing with the pizza sauce and Angela.
When we are Cognitively Fused, we believe our thoughts instead of interpreting our sensory perceptions of what is occurring in Reality. The thought we are fused with is not experienced as a thought; it is, instead, experienced as Absolutely True. For example, in the pizza sauce incident, I might have had the thought “Oh gosh! I am so stupid- Angela thinks I am a slob!” If I am fused with that thought, I do not even notice that it is just a thought- I feel and act as if it is Absolutely True. I act and feel like Angela thinks I am a slob.
If I am fused with the thought “she thinks I am a slob” I won’t bother paying attention to Angela and whatever else is going on to see what’s up, because, when I an fused, I am certain that I KNOW what’s happening- She’s thinking I am a slob, right? No need to inquire any deeper. If we think we know, we don’t ask questions or look any further.
I am sure most of us have been on the other end of someone else’s cognitive fusion—we said or did something and the person we are interacting with is ‘certain’ about our intent, our purpose, and we know privately that we intended nothing of the sort.
Some persons might have interpreted Angela’s nonverbal feedback about the pizza sauce as an effort on her part to intentionally humiliate them. It is a stretch for me to understand how that happens, but being in my business I have seen people make some radically absurd (IMHO) presumptions. Sometimes they have even made them about me!
When someone else is cognitively fused regarding you or something you have done it can be hard not to become defensive. Take a moment to get as clear as possible within yourself, be patient with them, and calmly, serenely tell your personal Truth. You might consider studying the work of Marshall Rosenberg to attain high level communication skills.
So, we work to become aware of the process of Cognitive Fusion in ourselves and we also have to understand that almost everyone else is cognitively fused from time to time. While we are all dropping in and out of Cognitive Fusion, there is Awareness. Let your attention be on the Awareness at the center of it all, that which is not fused, not lost in thought, not reacting to things in the moment.
That is where Peace lives, and that is where you are your Best and Brightest self. Speak and Act from your Best and Brightest self as often as you can. It is the best you can do.
If, however, we do not have the awareness that our thoughts are just thoughts, we will be Cognitively Fused with our thoughts. Cognitive Fusion is the term used when a person has become entangled (or fused) with the literal content and emotions of the thoughts. If we are Cognitively Fused, we presume that our private thoughts and feelings as Absolutely True in the moment. When we are fused, we react based on what we think, not on what we actually could perceive if we were to pay attention to Reality.
Cognitive Fusion is generally not helpful when we are alone; when we are Cognitively Fused regarding relationship issues, it can be fatal to any of our relationships.
Here’s a tiny little example, a very ordinary moment.
Yesterday I was at the Highland-Walker Festival near the U of M. I was working in a booth telling people about the opportunities available at Revolutions, the local Memphis Bike Cooperative that helps people get recycled bikes for next to nothing. Since I was working, I was eligible for some free pizza from Garibaldi’s (Thanks, Garibaldi’s!!). Even though I had eaten a pretty good breakfast and I wasn’t that hungry, I still had some of the free pizza—it was really good!
I was eating pizza while sitting in the Revolutions booth with Angela, a woman I had just met that morning. We were enjoying talking about bikes and enjoying the pizza. She wrinkled her face up and starting giving me some nonverbal signals I did not immediately understand. Eventually I realized she was indicating to me that I had some pizza sauce on my face and I needed to wipe it off.
Anytime someone points out that there is something not perfectly ok it can be an interesting moment for a mind. How the mind reacts is a function of the context and of the history.
In my own case, I’m not very sensitive to how others think of my appearance. And, the context was light-hearted- Angela was, in my way of perceiving, not being critical or judgmental, she was just being helpful. After all, it wasn’t an audience with the Queen of the World; we were just two regular folks sitting in a bike booth eating pizza at a street festival. So, bottom line, my mind didn’t “make anything of it” when Angela told me about the pizza sauce on my face. I simply laughed a little, appreciating the humanity of the moment, and wiped my face off.
I can envision other minds (or my own mind, for that matter) having very different reactions, especially in very different contexts. Had I been interviewing for a highly prestigious job at a very formal, stuffy institution with a very formal, stuffy interviewer, I might have been mortified if the interviewer had told me that I had pizza sauce on my face. Or, if it had been at the family dinner table when I was a kid, it would have been a cause for embarrassment and it definitely would not have been funny- food errors were bad news in my family at the dinner table.
With the pizza sauce incident, I paid attention to Angela’s nonverbal language- my mind saw nothing threatening at all, therefore I reacted calmly and openly. Had I seen different nonverbal indicators, I might have intuited that Angela was being critical and judging me harshly, and I probably would not have been as relaxed in dealing with the pizza sauce and Angela.
When we are Cognitively Fused, we believe our thoughts instead of interpreting our sensory perceptions of what is occurring in Reality. The thought we are fused with is not experienced as a thought; it is, instead, experienced as Absolutely True. For example, in the pizza sauce incident, I might have had the thought “Oh gosh! I am so stupid- Angela thinks I am a slob!” If I am fused with that thought, I do not even notice that it is just a thought- I feel and act as if it is Absolutely True. I act and feel like Angela thinks I am a slob.
If I am fused with the thought “she thinks I am a slob” I won’t bother paying attention to Angela and whatever else is going on to see what’s up, because, when I an fused, I am certain that I KNOW what’s happening- She’s thinking I am a slob, right? No need to inquire any deeper. If we think we know, we don’t ask questions or look any further.
I am sure most of us have been on the other end of someone else’s cognitive fusion—we said or did something and the person we are interacting with is ‘certain’ about our intent, our purpose, and we know privately that we intended nothing of the sort.
Some persons might have interpreted Angela’s nonverbal feedback about the pizza sauce as an effort on her part to intentionally humiliate them. It is a stretch for me to understand how that happens, but being in my business I have seen people make some radically absurd (IMHO) presumptions. Sometimes they have even made them about me!
When someone else is cognitively fused regarding you or something you have done it can be hard not to become defensive. Take a moment to get as clear as possible within yourself, be patient with them, and calmly, serenely tell your personal Truth. You might consider studying the work of Marshall Rosenberg to attain high level communication skills.
So, we work to become aware of the process of Cognitive Fusion in ourselves and we also have to understand that almost everyone else is cognitively fused from time to time. While we are all dropping in and out of Cognitive Fusion, there is Awareness. Let your attention be on the Awareness at the center of it all, that which is not fused, not lost in thought, not reacting to things in the moment.
That is where Peace lives, and that is where you are your Best and Brightest self. Speak and Act from your Best and Brightest self as often as you can. It is the best you can do.
Posts
